I've been a crocheter for years, and I have to admit that I've never crocheted myself anything. I've probably made hundreds of gifts and items to sell, but never something for myself. And I honestly find that to be a little sad and representative of how I tend to treat myself. I'm always taking care of everyone else the best I can, but rarely take time for myself, borderline looking at it as a waste of time.
So, a couple of weeks ago, I began knitting the first project I will ever make for myself. But it wasn't even a decision about self-care or valuing myself, or appreciating the art I work so hard on. It was literally just a decision I made that I wasn't good enough at knitting to sell a knitted piece, so when a friend gifted me the knitting needles and yarn and pattern, I figured I should make it for myself.
That's honestly forced me into a pretty major period of self-reflection. I mean, for the past couple of months I've been working on myself a lot. Evaluating my self-destructive behaviors and even coming to terms with some of the things I need to change, although it's difficult to make the leap into actually changing them. Because yes, I've always known I have major self-esteem issues that I need to work on. And yes, I know that I give too much of myself to other people before thinking about my own needs. But this experience was one where I was forced to see a physical manifestation of that mindset.
Not only am I constantly making projects for other people without hardly considering making something for myself, but the only reason I've started holding onto my art for myself is because I deemed it 'unworthy' for anyone else. Almost like I feel like I only deserve what no else wants, and it's gotten me into a lot of trouble over the years.
I ended up in an abusive relationship because I was convinced he was the only person who could ever love me. I discourage others from destructive behaviors but hardly talk myself out of them because I figure I'm a lost cause either way. And even through all that, I manage to convince myself that I only think about myself and need to put even more of myself into other people.
I can't say I really know how to start putting myself first. Or even harder than that, how to not feel bad about it. Self-care is one of the most important skills to know for the real world and to get through this mess of life, but I only take care of myself when I'm bursting at the seams and don't even have the mental capacity to do anything but take care of myself. Self-care is a daily practice. It's showering and getting dressed and taking me-time when you need it. It's saying no to doing things that you don't want to do. It's eating healthy meals. And dammit, it's making yourself a crocheted project because you deserve to own something beautiful that you made with your own two hands.
I can't say this project is necessarily a step in the right direction, but maybe it's symbolic enough to help me start making those baby steps towards prioritizing myself. And maybe it'll make me realize that the next time I'm cold and wish I had a hat, that it's not a waste of time to make one for myself.
And my hope is that a couple of months from now when my camisole is finished and I wish I had a cute crop top or a nice set of coasters, that I choose to make them for myself. That I've been taking enough baby steps in the delicate concept of self-care to realize that I can make myself something without ruminating over the Etsy projects I could be working on or birthday gifts I could be making myself. And I hope that crochet can take part in my recovery by doing that one, simple thing for myself.
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