*sexual assault trigger warning*
Hey guys! This is the second story I’m writing to depict my experiences with feminism and how Rosie the Riveter has impacted my life, so check out the first one if you haven’t! This post is going to be about my sexual assault story. I’ll keep it broad because I want to stay sensitive to all my audiences and there’s a lot I’m not comfortable with sharing, but it has been a big part of my life for the past year and a half and being able to talk about it and tell my story has been a big factor in starting to cope with my experiences and trauma surrounding it. I hope this post resonates with you and can help you begin to put yourself in the shoes of someone who’s been through similar things or can make you feel less alone if you’ve been through those things yourself.
When I was 14 years old, I have to admit that I was a pretty lonely person. Making friends in middle school is hard enough, so the added stress of trauma and abandonment issues only solidified my tendency to keep everyone an arm’s length away. Then I met a guy.
We were just best friends at first, as it always starts out, but even just that relationship was straining on us and had enough red flags for me to have realized it would turn into something toxic. We were both so codependent we convinced ourselves we couldn’t live without each other. We were both in a horrible place mentally. Neither of us really understood the concept of boundaries. But at the time, I was desperate for someone to prove to me that I was lovable. So when he loved me and kissed me and listened to me, that’s all I needed for it to feel like it was enough.
The friendship escalated to a relationship. The relationship barrelled into something physical in the blink of the eye. And even though I’m ten times more educated about boundaries than most people my age, that doesn’t mean I dealt with the situations perfectly.
We had the conversations about boundaries and safewords. I knew what consent was and how to keep yourself safe. I had all the facts. But when you’re put in that position, sometimes the lines between consent and assault are so blurry that it’s hard to tell which side of that line you’re on. Most of the time, it just became easier to give in to him than to fight it. He usually got his way anyway, and the earlier I let him have it the less I would have to go through. And if I’m being honest, it got pretty bad near the end. He was stronger than me and he knew it. I was held down a few times. He stopped listening to my ‘nos’ or my tone of voice. He convinced me into doing things that were physically painful for me. He was stronger than me. Mentally. Physically. Emotionally. And whether or not he knew what he was doing is still a question mark, but which side of that consent line it was on, isn’t.
This isn’t some feminist story about how men are assholes that don’t listen to women, because I genuinely don’t think that’s true. I think he was an asshole who didn’t listen to me. But that doesn’t mean all men are antagonists and all women are victims. This story is about the aftermath.
I spent months rolling over in my head whether or not to report him for sexual assault. I spent months convincing myself I was being dramatic and crazy. And then, somewhere along the way, I actually decided it would be better to report him. Not for me, but for whoever else he dated and whoever else he may happen not to listen to. Not for me, but because he’s never learned that his actions come with consequences. Not for me, but for women and the fact that we need to speak up for ourselves. And when I finally got around to the research for reporting it, the only thing I found is that there’s nothing I could do.
In my state, sodomy isn’t illegal. Sexual assault is only defined by your life being threatened if you don’t engage in these behaviors. And it’s only rape if you’re disabled, drunk, or threatened with murder. There’s no definition of consent, which means that you can be kicking and screaming and crying and that’s not technically rape. You could be trying to force them off of you while saying no over and over, but unless you were drunk, it’s not rape. The only thing I found out was that there was nothing I could do.
Sure, I felt unsafe when he would touch me. Yeah, I was scared when he would take off my clothes or pin my wrists down. Of course, I was anxious when we would be left home alone or even were just in the same room by ourselves. But I’ve never felt so unsafe and scared and anxious as when I found out that technically speaking, he didn’t do anything wrong. Maybe ethically. Maybe morally. But there was nothing to protect me from it. My trauma and panic attacks and nos mean nothing when it comes to the legal system. And legally, he didn’t do anything wrong.
For me, that’s why we still need feminism today. It’s never been better to be a woman and socially, we’re hardly treated differently than men. And if I’m being honest, there are so many other minorities that struggle so much more than we do. Women don’t have that much to complain about on a grand scale of things. But we still need people fighting for our equality because of things like this. Because a woman can kick and scream but if her life isn’t at risk, it’s not rape. That’s why we need people kicking and screaming until we can feel safe as women.
Upon the release of my Rosie the Riveter pattern, the biggest thing I hope to accomplish is just to spread the word about why feminism is still relevant. Being a woman is something I’m proud of and will always be proud of, but I also think it’s important to tell stories like this one where I didn’t feel safe in my own skin, or I didn’t feel like the powerful woman I know I am. And the biggest message in this post is just that standing up for yourself or for someone else in these kinds of situations is always the best thing you can do. It doesn’t matter who invalidates or tells you you’re wrong, you’re the only person that was there and the only person who really knows what happened. You’re stronger than you think.
So check out my Rosie the Riveter hat at this link on my Etsy!
https://www.etsy.com/listing/733993580/crochet-hat-pattern-intermediate-crochet?ref=shop_home_feat_4
Check out my Etsy shop here: https://www.etsy.com/shop/HookOverHeels?ref=search_shop_redirect
And here are the dates for the last two posts in this Rosie the Riveter story. I hope you guys have been empowered by the experiences I’ve shared so far. <3
November 16th: Speaking up for my Mental Health
November 23rd: How I was forced to become my own woman
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