So, I had planned on releasing part two of my Rosie the Riveter series today, but it’s looking like I’m going to put that off for a week. Sorry to anyone who was excited to read that today, but it will still be coming out next week! There will be dates at the bottom of this post for anyone interested, but I needed to write something else today. I had been staring at a blank computer screen for twenty minutes, writing a single line and then deleting it immediately because the words for what I want to say just weren’t coming to my head. I’ve had an off week with my mental health spiraling down recently and I thought writing a blog post might help me feel better about everything. Again I apologize for the inconvenience, but I’ll be sure to publish the next Rosie the Riveter post next week and I hope you guys still like what I’m sharing this week!
The truth is, I’m a pessimist. I’m aware of it and so is everyone around me, but pessimism is never something that came naturally to me. I was always the one to see puddles to play in when it poured rain, the stars in the sky when it was dark, and the silver lining to every situation. Pessimism isn’t in my blood, but rather I taught it to myself. Not because I enjoy living in a world where I presume the worst-case scenario will always ensue, but pessimism is a sort of armor that I wear to protect myself. I wear my heart on my sleeve as I always have, but it’s a dangerous game. Putting that kind of trust into everyone you meet is a risk. And instead of being wary of other people, I learned to be wary of myself, always assuming I’ll screw it up. I put this armor of pessimism on so that when I do happen to give my heart away, I just know that it’ll get broken. That the stars will only shine for so long until clouds come to cover them up. That soon enough I’ll just be cold and soaked in water and all the fun will be sucked out of the rain.
Recently, I’ve met this wonderful woman. Neither of us knows if it’s going anywhere, but we know that we make each other happy. And goddamn, you don’t know how hard I’m trying to let that be enough. I want to enjoy the moment. To not feel as if I’m ready to lace up my shoes and run as far away as possible. To not be walking on eggshells because of the constant fear that I’ll fuck something up. But my mind jumps from black to white so quickly that one night where she’s a little off or distant throws me for a loop. All of a sudden I’m on a spiral, mentally checking off every possible thing I could’ve done wrong and every possible reason it’s just not working for her anymore.
It’s exhausting. One thing goes a little bit awry and all of a sudden I convince myself the world is crumbling around me. And it’s because that’s what’s safe to me. That’s what’s familiar. I know how to prepare for the ground to fall out from under my feet. And if I’m prepared for that worst-case scenario, it can only go up from there, right?
But it’s exhausting.
Imagine that every time it stormed you packed a bag and evacuated the city because you were afraid a hurricane might hit. Or every time your head started to hurt you went to get a brain scan because you were convinced it could be a tumor. Or every time someone said they needed to talk about something you ‘knew’ that the next words out of their mouth would be “I have 6 months to live”.
That’s how I live my life. The girl I’m dating is distant for one night? Oh, she must have lost all feelings and is trying to find a way to let me down easy. I’m turning back to my unhealthy coping skills? Talk to me in a month or two and I’ll probably be in the worst mental state of my life, on the verge of committing suicide. I haven’t made a sale in a few weeks? Well, guess my entire business is failing so I might as well give up before I’m forced to face what a pointless endeavor all of this was.
At this point, I can’t say I have any answers to my pessimism or how to turn it around. Assuming the worst feels so much easier than thinking that maybe, just maybe, I deserve good things for my life and that maybe, just maybe, I could get them. I can’t dance in the rain. I can’t soak in the stars while I still see them. I can’t ignore the shiver seeping into my bones or the darkness consuming the sky. What I can do is resist the urge to tie up my laces and dash out the door. I can talk to the people who love me and try to trust they won’t be scared off or run away. I can keep posting listings on my Etsy and wait for the next sale to roll around. I can just keep moving forward, fighting my instincts, and then maybe one day I can finally feel safe enough to take off my armor. After all, it’s a heavy burden to carry around all the time, and goddamn I’m getting tired.
Anyway, if you haven’t checked out my Rosie the Riveter pattern please check it out! It’s live on my Etsy now and here’s the link!
Etsy page: https://www.etsy.com/shop/HookOverHeels
Business email: hookoverheels@gmail.com
And as promised, here are the new and improved dates for the rest of my Rosie the Riveter series. Thanks again for your patience!
November 9th: My sexual assault story
November 16th: Speaking up for my Mental Health
November 23rd: How I was forced to become my own woman
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